For my thirtieth birthday, my husband took me to see the Celtic Woman perform at a live concert. This event re-awakened a desire that I have had since childhood – to learn to play the violin.
The next year, I purchased a used violin off of Craigslist and a beginner’s violin book. I had never even handled a violin before, but I really wanted to learn how to play.
I knew that it would be rough going – I mean, who picks up the violin as an adult? People told me that I was too old to learn. I didn’t have money for lessons. I squeaked and squawked. I sounded awful!
Do you ever struggle with self-doubt?
Self-doubt can be crippling. Trust me. I speak from experience on this one.
I have been struggling with so much self-doubt lately.
I am not being the wife and mom that I desire to be, and I feel that I am failing my husband and children.
My homeschooling attempts feel completely inadequate.
Grocery shopping and meal preparations have been far from stellar lately. (Last evening after waiting 45 minutes for my rice maker to make the rice, my 8 year old son checked it and informed me that I had never pushed “start”. For Pete’s sake, how hard is it to make rice in a rice maker? I did get dinner on the table – by 7:20 p.m.)
And this blog? I want to write from my heart. I want to encourage and inspire you to keep on teaching your kids about the Bible. But, the last few days I have been so close to closing it down – because I seriously don’t have what it takes to run this blog.
Do you ever struggle with the crippling effects of self-doubt? Do you ever feel like “throwing in the towel” because you just don’t have what it takes to keep on going?
Do you know, I mean REALLY KNOW that God loves you?
Or, is there just a sliver of a doubt in your mind and heart?
When it comes to God’s love, there are times when I doubt, big time.
It is hard for me to believe that God really and truly sees me and loves me.
Because, I know who I am. I know the thoughts in my heart. I know my sins and my failures. I know my own selfishness and pride and anger. And I wonder, “How can God truly love me?”
What does your home mean to you?
Perhaps its your place of refuge and security. Maybe its your greatest financial investment. You probably even spend countless hours making your home as beautiful, clean, and inviting as you possibly can.
You would never grab a sledge hammer and start knocking holes in the walls of your home just for the fun of it.
You would not intentionally tear down your home with your own hands.
And yet, Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.”
I don’t think that the foolish woman intentionally sets out to tear her home down with her own hands. She can’t be THAT FOOLISH, right? And yet, whether she means to or not, home destroying is exactly what she does.
I recently realized that I have been believing a lie.
It’s one of those sneaky lies that sounds so right, so noble on the surface – and yet the more that I look at it, the more that I realize how dangerous it is.
Maybe I have been prone to believe this lie because I grew up with parents who taught me to eat my peas before I could have dessert.
Maybe its because of the constant barrage of advertisements promising immediate results if I just follow their 5 step program. (Lose Weight Forever in Three Weeks with These 5 Easy Steps!)
Or, maybe its because God hard-wired me as a future thinker.
Whatever the reason, I find myself frequently thinking, “If I just work hard enough today, tomorrow will be so much better. Then, I will be able to rest and enjoy ‘success’ – a life that is made easier by financial stability, more independent children, a clean house, etc.”
Have you ever thought this?
Can I be completely honest for a moment?
In the words of Bilbo Baggins, “I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.”*
It seems like everyone around me is gearing up for the excitement of a new school year, a new season, a new schedule, even the coming national elections.
But, my soul feels no excitement – only weariness.
As a woman and a mother, my life is filled with demands. I am surrounded by little people who want food at least three times a day. And clean clothes. And to know where I left their soccer cleats.
I am surrounded by little people who want me to meet their every need, to cuddle with them, to comfort them when they are hurt, to entertain them, to find things for them, and to give them my undivided attention.
I am also surrounded by adults who have their own ideas about what I should be doing and how I should be using my time.
On top of this all, I have my own expectations of what I should be accomplishing each day.
And, far too often, I get tired. Like, REALLY tired.
Now, first of all, you have to understand that I grew up in the 1980’s.
Which means that we had to compensate for our complete boredom (caused by a deplorable lack of technology) with other forms of entertainment.
Like smelling things.
Everything was made to be smelly in the late 80’s –
Not to be outdone by Strawberry Shortcake dolls, My Little Pony came in fruit scents…
Every Mr. Sketch marker smelled like its color…
and Scratch and Sniff stickers were ALL THE RAGE.